Early one morning, just before dawn, when I woke up; I lay in bed for a moment and I waited to hear the voice of the Spirit of the Lord. I was not testing the Lord; however, it was early and I wanted to know how close the Spirit of the Lord was to me. I had not even waited a minute and I heard a gentle, comforting voice that said, “I am here,” and I began to smile. Then we began to have a lengthy conversation about the day ahead and what I should accomplish.
In the beginning, when I first began to hear the Spirit of the Lord, it was not always as quiet or peaceful. A long time ago, I came to the realization that if I was going to repent; I would need the Lord to show me exactly what my sins were, because I knew that it would be difficult for me to examine myself and be objectionable. I had begun to know the Word of God and I stress the word begun, because I was still immature in the knowledge of his word. I regretted the lack of discipline that I received as a child and I wept when I learned the relevance of obedience to the Mosaic Laws. I did not understand the importance of the law or appreciate the Lord and his expectations of our obedience to his will. I was not raised in a Christian home. I knew of God; however, I did not know God. When I began to understand the importance of the law and repentance; I knew that I had left a dirty trail behind me that I could not ignore. For a long time after this, I wished that I had been raised in a Jewish home; because I thought that at least then, I would have had an understanding of the law, and raised to fear the Lord. The Lord rebuked this idea and in time the Lord made me realize that the children of Israel were as estranged from the Lord as anyone else. The Lord showed me the hypocrisy of their behavior and how undisciplined they truly were. The truth is, we have all departed from the ways of the Lord; but because I was so naive, I did not realize this at the time.
After I asked the Lord to teach me how to repent; sometimes it was difficult to distinguish between my own thought patterns, the thought provocations of the Lord’s, or the cunningness of Satan. There were times that the Spirit of the Lord spoke so audibly, I would actually turn in the direction from where I heard him speak, because it seemed as if someone was standing beside me. Sometimes I can hear a still gentle voice speaking and at other times, I can hear a voice that speaks with agitation and vexation. In the beginning, I misunderstood the one who spoke with vexation as the devil, and I would try to dismiss him. In time, I learned that the Lord and Satan could and would speak with any of the above temperaments. When the Lord is angry, his spirit becomes fierce and when Satan attempts to deceive you, he can speak softly and cunningly. Sometimes I have heard Satan speak with a voice of authority and insistence. It has taken a long time and a multitude of failures, before I could distinguish between the Spirit of the Lord and Satan, and even today Satan still tries to deceive me, and once in a while he will succeed. However, I have found comfort in this realization: The Lord is a witness to everything that happens, and the Lord knows the history of Satan and me, and the Lord knows my heart too. With the Lord’s help, I diligently try to observe his laws every day. This is not to say that I have reached perfection, not by any means! However, the Lord knows me and how much I try. So if I do something wrong; now, in most cases, it is a minor infraction. If Satan deceives me, he will be judged, not I. Because I have studied the Word of God for so long and I have become familiar with the laws; if I am deceived by Satan, in most cases, it has to do with my day-to-day activities. For example: Sometimes Satan will stir my heart to drive in a particular direction, in order to take me out of my way, and waste time. He may stir my heart to purchase something that I should do without. Sometimes Satan will lead me to believe something that is not true. For example: This ministry is very important to me, and at the same time, the Lord has humbled me greatly. I will be led to believe that the Lord will lift me up and help me, and when I suffer further setbacks; I become emotional and vent my frustration out on the Lord, instead of dismissing Satan’s lie. My emotions become overwhelming and my behavior becomes unreasonable. I must confess that controlling my emotions is one of my greatest weaknesses, and when I realize that Satan has deceived me; I feel bad, because I know that I have hurt the Lord.
I have spent a considerable amount of time thinking about the state of our emotions; when we are pleased or become vexed and angry; how much our voice alters with our state of emotion. I thought: If we have been created in the image of the Lord, then why couldn’t we also have similar emotions? If the Lord was angry; how would we know, if the Lord was not able show us his displeasure? I began to listen closer to the different and distinguishing voices that I heard and I started to examine the state of emotion, with the thought provocations. If Satan is the father of all lies; yet, that which I heard was truthful, then perhaps it was the Lord who is actually trying to teach me how to repent? Then I started to accept what I heard and take what I heard more to heart. I began to spend time rummaging through the dark recesses of my mind and examining my behavior and past deeds. Memories started rising up within my heart. When this happened, I could feel the Spirit of the Lord disciplining me. Trust me when I say, “If the Lord wants you to repent; then the Lord knows how to bring you to your knees and humble you!” I have been laid face down on the floor and on the earth, weeping and wondering if I would ever have the courage to rise up and walk again! There were days that I was so humbled and so afraid of the Lord that I could not walk, but I would crawl. I would weep and pray for the evening to come, so that I might find comfort as I slept; only to be paralyzed with fear, because of my dreams. Then I would lie in bed, tossing and turning, waiting for dawn. When the Lord is angry he becomes fierce and his words are powerful and will pierce your heart like a two edged sword. There were days that I thought I would literally have a heart attack and die, because the Lords anger was so fierce! During those moments, it was very difficult to read the Word of God, because I became so troubled by my experience. It was not easy in the beginning, learning about the Lord and the Word of God, or learning how to repent of my past deeds. Sometimes I felt as though I was going through a gauntlet of discipline and punishment, and when it was over, I felt like a limp leaf that was shaken by a terrible storm.
In the Word of God it is written that it is never easy to accept the discipline of a father, and we are warned not to reject it either. (Hebrews 12:5-11) When a period of discipline is over and we are able to look back and examine the moment and reflect upon it and understand it; ultimately, we realize that this was for our benefit. I dreaded the moments when the Lord was angry with me. Although later, I realized that the experience helped me to become a better person. When a moment of discipline passes, the Lord will draw you near, and lift up your spirit again. Then, you will realize that the relationship between the Lord and you has improved. Time will pass and then you relive the same retribution, because of another sin. I asked the Lord if he would show me my sins and teach me how to repent, and the Lord answered my prayer. The Lord has comforted me and helped me understand, and because I have experienced the discipline of the Lord; not only have I become a better person, but our relationship has become stronger, because I have been purged of my past sins. I knew that if I would submit to the Lord and remained faithful to him; even during these hardships, the Lord would remain faithful to me. The Lord has been and is still leading me to the kingdom of God.
In the Word of God we are likened unto iron in the fire. (Malachi 3:2-3 and 1 Peter 1:6-7) During the end times, this will be truer than ever. If the Lord is willing and holds onto me now, before the ultimate tribulation begins, and purges me in the fire; it is well with me, because I know that when the world passes through the fierce heat of the flames, I will be set apart and kept safe, and escape the wrath of God.
I hope and I pray that you will seek to develop this same loving relationship with the Lord and his dear Holy Spirit. I hope that you will submit to the Lord, and allow the Lord to discipline you and lead you to repentance; so that when the world passes through the flames, you may be safe in the shadow, under his precious wing.
